Weddings have such a powerful hold on our psyches because they represent the romantic fantasy of a perfect soul mate who completes us and who will always make our heart race with excitement. I assume Mark Sanford and Jenny Sullivan felt this way when they got married at Christ Memorial Church in Florida on Nov. 4, 1989.

The New York Times wedding announcement for Mark and Jenny is the kind that makes us think of a perfect match, a couple who will live happily ever after. The promising young couple -- she was 27, he was 29 -- both had successful careers in New York City. Jenny's sister, Kathleen, was the maid of honor, and Mark's brother, William, was the best man.

This Sanford wedding announcement had some of the details that suggested a strong future for the marriage: neither had divorced parents, the wedding was in a church, and a Catholic priest performed the ceremony (the Rev. Leo O'Donovan, who was then president of Georgetown University.)

Alas, exactly 20 years later, this marriage has been shown to be a complete disaster. So much for the women's sports page fantasy from the announcement. And Mark Sanford, to everyone's horror, told the AP that "I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate," referring to his mistress, Maria Belen Chapur, not his wife Jenny. This latest TMI from Sanford really upset me because it was downright cruel to publicly humiliate his wife. His claim of uncontrollable romantic love for Maria goes to show how totally immature he is as well as his lack of understanding of his professed Christian faith.

Almost all married people say that marriage is hard work, though very few think about that on their wedding day. Romantic love actually might help blind us to the reality of long-term marriage and numb us to the fear of walking down the aisle. But many people in long marriages say that as the romantic love fades, a new, deeper kind of love emerges, which is more substantial than the hormonal, endorphin-pumping new romance.

Since the Sanfords were married by Father O'Donovan, it seems they agreed to the Catholic doctrine that both adultery and divorce are sins. They both cited the vow, "I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." The key verb in that sentence -- often overlooked, but intentional by the church -- is "will." The church is acknowledging that the romance of a wedding day has little to do with the active effort it takes to love each other through the many changes and challenges of life. So "will love" (future tense) instead of "do love" (present tense) reflects a solemn promise to God to love the other until death. Not, as Mark Sanford seems to think, until the romance fades and a new "soul mate" appears.

A Catholic friend of mine, who has been married for a 14 years, always says of marriage, "People think love is a feeling, but it's not; love is an action. In marriage, you have to love actively because the feeling of love comes and goes, but the sacred promise is to be loving, not feel loving." Sanford should look up his marriage vows as a reminder of what he promised to God 20 years ago.

Sanford's childish view of Maria as his "soul mate" counters his Christian faith. "Love in the Christian sense," wrote C.S. Lewis in the book Mere Christianity, "does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings, but of the will; that we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people."

Sanford must know that Jesus' commandment to "love our neighbors as ourselves" refers to those people whom it is hard to love. not easy, like his wife.